Apple Defies Time by Turning iPhones Into Miniature Time Machines for Retro Gamers

Cupertino, CA - In a stunning revelation sure to send hipsters and millennials into joyful fits of nostalgia, Apple has discovered how to send people back in time, not with a flux capacitor, but with a slightly less complicated device - the iPhone.

Thanks to a recent decision by Apple to allow emulators into the App Store, iPhone users can now simulate old game consoles, from the belly-flopping blue hedgehogs of Sega Genesis to the world-saving plumbers of NES. Who knew shunning the cutting edge could be so satisfying?

Gone are the days of jailbreaking your iPhone or angrily shaking fist at gum-covered Raspberry Pis. Now, in a face-saving maneuver, Apple has decided to legitimize our need to clash pixels with controllers. All one has to do is download the emulator, and it's like Christmas 1990 all over again, minus the inevitable side-eyed disapproval from your modern tech-savvy relatives.

What's the catch? Well, the legal gray area of ROMs lingers like a Game Boy with low battery - everyone knows it's there, but who wants to talk about it? Without proper ownership, downloading ROMs is about as legal as replicating Grandma’s secret cookie recipe and selling it on Etsy.

Of course, the tactile joy of button-mashing via touchscreen is akin to wrestling a greased-up ferret - the controller-free experience leaves something to be desired. Enter the Game Controller, knight in wireless armor, to rescue our thumbs from despair and bring back the days of arcade mastery, all without leaving your couch.

At publishing time, retro gamers were seen using HDMI cables to tether their iPhones to televisions, reliving their pixellated youth and arguing whether E.T. on Atari was truly the worst game ever made.