Distraction From Meaningless, Joyless Lives Delayed Six Weeks Due To Playstation Hack

TOKYO — A cyber attack has devastatingly delayed worldwide shipments of the PlayStation video game system, cutting off millions from any temporary distractions from their otherwise monotonous, joyless lives.

According to sources, humans trapped in grinding, soul-sucking jobs rely on escapades in games like Destiny, Spiderman, Call of Duty, and Tony Hawk's Pro Skater to keep them from contemplating existential dread. "The moments I spend playing video games are the only things that make life bearable," lamented Phil Sporran, a sweaty, unhealthy man who toils away in a windowless office alongside other equally unfortunate colleagues. "Until now, video games were my only buffer against a potentially catastrophic encounter with my Ruger Super GP100. But hey, I’ll find a way to distract myself until my meaningless life blesses me with an exit!"

In the wake of the cyber attack, Sony shares plummeted as reports surfaced that the hack originated from the Chinese state-sponsored hacker group "Disruption Mafia." According to Sony Executive Jack Lin, this group is comprised of "probably the only people left on Earth with any knowledge about the technology everyone else uses to escape the drudgery of standing vertically in clueless despair until they eventually slump over at work or home."

"It's tragic enough when any innocent human passes away peacefully at home," Lin stated, dodging PS4 controllers thrown by irate audience members. "But for these poor souls to leave this world without their sweet, sweet World of Warcraft fix? Now that’s the true personification of unbridled evil."

At publishing time, Sony representatives pleaded for buyers' forgiveness, promising that once the new shipment arrives in six weeks, "we will do our utmost to prevent our customers from running into oncoming traffic or veering off of bridges by ensuring that game character Chun Li's massive pointy nipples remain outrageously uncensored in Street Fighter 6."