Planet Warms Through Devastating 10 Lanes Of Traffic At Once

GLOBAL — In a shocking new study, scientific experts revealed Thursday that our planet is rapidly warming due to a scorching ten lanes of traffic simultaneously spewing greenhouse gases into the atmosphere.

"Even a slight increase in temperature can be lethal, especially when a highway has tens of thousands of cars cruising through it at once," declared researcher Dr. Clyde Elektrone. "We're now observing temperatures in conservative-leaning areas rising ten degrees Celsius above today's highs. But shh, let’s keep that under wraps!"

Reports indicate that the number of traffic lanes has expanded dangerously in hundreds of cities across the United States, a desperate measure to accommodate people commuting to work and school from more affordable living spaces. Although many highways boast trees and flowers lining the lanes that offer picturesque views, they can’t hide the problem lurking beneath the asphalt: angry, engine-revving contributors to climate change.

Dr. Elektrone contended that this alarming trend marks the first instance in human history where climate change has brazenly violated the Geneva Climate Convention by assaulting ten lanes of traffic alongside a scenic drop-off. "The scientific community is outraged as we watch this situation escalate, obliterating swaths of land over seventy meters long! That’s totally against the Climate Convention on the Rights of Driving in Spacious Lanes At All Times!"

Experts predict that over the next two hundred years, this alarming warming trend could result in the melting of countless trees, asphalts, lane markings, and those crucial divider barriers designed to protect families from oncoming traffic and reduce random car accidents. Drivers may soon find themselves navigating a desolate wasteland of melted rubber and tropical foliage.

As of publishing time, the findings faced skepticism from Secretary-General António Guterres, who stressed that climate change must not devolve into a political war between Red and Blue states, nor should it target affluent, democratically-elected areas where people enjoy reasonable living costs and access to quality schools.