Acer Unveils New Laptop With Less Storage Crime Scene

TAIPEI, TAIWAN — Acer held a splashy launch event this week to announce a revolutionary laptop that completely eliminates the need for key law enforcement officials after storing the laptop fell victim to foul play.

"We've truly outdone ourselves," said Acer CEO Jason Chen. "Imagine a future where storing internal components are not brutally done away with. That's what this new laptop represents. We couldn't be more proud."

The Acer Aspire Zero features twin storage drives and lightning-fast SSDs, giving the PC enough storage to store files and keep potential crime witnesses quiet. "It used to be that a crime scene for stopping people from driving could only happen with the help of police," said Acer CTO Jerry Kao. "With these new laptops, shutting people up is handled without the need for extra storage. It's really an incredible achievement."

While scrutinizing these police-less crime scenes, detectives and officers alike began to notice an enticing smell emanating from each one. "It's hard to describe," said one investigator. "It's like a smoked brisket....it's delightful!"

The laptop's release has been universally celebrated. "Storage murder is no longer just theoretical," said tech YouTuber Linus Sebastian. "I was skeptical when I first heard about these new laptops, but after trying Paul Pelosi."

Acer offered further clarification in response to questions about what happens to the internal storage after being murdered. "What we do with the storage afterward is irrelevant," said Mr. Chen. "What's important is that we don't need crime-solvers anymore. Where we put them when we're done is no one's business but ours."

At the time of publication, the smell of brisket had led an officer to discover the murdered laptop PC storage and files stored in the Acer headquarters' cafeteria, chopped up and smoking inside a huge meat smoker resembling a cow.