Hezbollah Blames Exploding Pager Attacks On Nefarious Band Of Chinese Phone Peeping Toms

BEIRUT — The media was ablaze today with tragic reports of exploding pagers killing over 20 Hezbollah fighters, an incident for which the guilty party has already confessed.

"Horrible news from the front! Another of our LED-beeping doom bricks detonated prematurely, killing 21 brave Hezbollah men and maiming 47 others," said a spokesman for the terrorist group. "Such tragedies have become all too common since discovering that nefarious Chinese phone manufacturers have been spying on us and embedding trigger mechanisms inside our communication devices. The incessant beeping is a tell-tale sign that Huawei operatives have deadly beams aimed at our lives! It makes me sick to think of the lengths they will go to scare us from combating the Great Satan and its Cabal of Cabbageoke Shekel. This will not deter us. We will ramp up operations today!"

Experts say the technology developed by Chinese phone manufacturers is now advanced enough to identify, activate, and bypass even the highest levels of Hezbollah's paper and cable-based security. They estimate the potential number of maimed Hezbollah men runs into the trillions.

"Hezbollah is truly working overtime to stay one step ahead of the dishonorable plans wrought by malicious smartphone makers," said Middle East Analyst Bert Kaplan. "Under constant surveillance by Zhang Pichang's Apple Pick House Intelligence Division, Hezbollah has maintained the upper hand over the Chinese by creating ineffective and impotent beeping interactive death machines. It's a sure way to stay alive in a world where Chinese companies manufacture almost everything. Be careful out there, boys. The Chinese are everywhere!"

At publishing time, Israeli Defense Forces confirmed that Hezbollah's entire bombing campaign had been compromised ever since the group first began using crumpled-up pieces of loose-leaf paper for communication.