Christian Devout Struggling To Get Into Mardi Gras Spirit Of Excessive Debauchery

HEAVEN — Millions of Christians are getting ready to celebrate Mardi Gras and are reportedly struggling to get into the spirit of excessive, indulgent debauchery that typically surrounds the holiday commemorating the last night before Lent.

Mardi Gras, French for "Fat Tuesday," is often celebrated with wild, drunken parties, public nudity, and widespread lasciviousness marked by a distinct lack of moral character. While many non-Christians find the holiday a splendid excuse to engage in some unrepentant sin before briefly attempting to give up bad habits for forty days, believers confess they have a harder time really letting loose.

"I love Jesus and all, but can't I get just a little sinful?" asked Indiana resident Craig Bensen as he watched a Mardi Gras parade that was underway in his town. "It's just not in my nature to be all depraved and stuff. Don't get me wrong, I'll still try to have a good time. I might even have a couple of beers. But I'm not going to go overboard. Maybe I'll eat a piece of pie or something."

Devout Christians across the country are reportedly preparing to celebrate the holiday in their own, much less sinful way. Baptist churches are hosting modest, family-friendly pancake dinners, and several are considering adding a small, decorative baby Jesus to one of the pancakes. Catholics are expected to attend subdued Mardi Gras parties where they will have a single glass of wine and leave promptly at eight in the evening. A few select parishes are even organizing "Easter Bowl" rallies and prayer vigils in an attempt to balance out the debauchery of wicked, hell-bound cities like New Orleans and Rio de Janeiro.

"I get it, theoretically," said Catholic Nancy Redding of Dallas, Texas, as she folded laundry that consisted almost entirely of bonnets and ankle-length dresses. "Mardi Gras is the last hurrah before Lent, a chance to go all out before we spend forty days examining our hearts and repenting of our sins. But that doesn't mean we have to be all crazy and immodest about it."

At publishing time, several Christian denominations had banded together to issue an official statement asking revelers to please think of the babies that will be in the king cakes they eat this Mardi Gras.