Chinese App With 500 Million Users No One Has Ever Met

WORLD - Almost overnight, the Chinese shopping app TEMU has grown to more than 500 million users, making it almost as big as the most well-known apps like Instagram, TikTok, and X.

But if you ask around, you won't actually find anyone who uses it.

"Almost half the internet-using population of the earth is now using TEMU," said a spokesman from the company Wednesday. "Good luck finding anyone you know who's used it even once, though. But our claims are 100% true! I mean... please! How could you not love this app?! It looks even better on paper, right? So there you go, don’t ask too many questions. Have you heard about our Fun Quests challenge and zany Play Center figures?"

Aside from owning an app that almost everyone is said to use but no one has actually touched, the Chinese marketplace that TEMU offers allows users to essentially purchase junk for one or two dollars—only for the item to arrive at your doorstep 34 months later. Oh, and it now comes with a cute little American flag to make it feel legit.

Said hypothetical user Jennifer Ashly from Springfield, Missouri: "Yeah, the app exists, but I don't think anyone's used it outside the 80 employees they have folding towels over there to make it look like someone's actually working. I’m pretty sure the warehouse doesn’t even have a roof!"

At publishing time, The Gateway Foundation was still contemplating whether webcam users would ever discover that their HQ opened in 1998.