Tech Moguls Introduce Revolutionary Feature: The Self-Distracting Smartphone

Silicon Valley has done it again. In a bid to make our lives 'better', a consortium of tech giants has announced the release of the world's first self-distracting smartphone. That's right, folks: your phone is now smart enough to know when you really need to procrastinate. Branded under the name iNo, this cutting-edge device promises to keep you from being productive whenever you dare try to accomplish something.

CEO of DistractiCorp, Elon Musk's little-known cousin Flearon Musk, explained the rationale behind the device, 'We realized people were draining themselves trying to remain focused. With iNo, they won't have to. The phone will take over, ensuring you're always sidetracked with crucial cat videos and hilarious TikToks.' Early adopters agree: since they've gotten their hands on it, they've forgotten what ‘work’ even means.

The iNo comes with a revolutionary feature: Attention Drainage Algorithm (ADA). Using advanced AI, ADA determines the exact moment your attention is at its peak—and then bombards you with notifications from that one social media platform you never even signed up for. 'It's truly a game-changer,' said one user, trying to remember the last time they completed a task.

There's even an auto-scrolling feature for news articles and social media feeds, designed to never let you reach the end. Beta testers have reported moments of utter panic when their phone momentarily malfunctioned, allowing them to glimpse paragraphs they never intended to read. Yet, Flearon assures that the engineers are 'working tirelessly to patch that bug'.

Not to be outdone, other tech companies are racing to develop similar gadgets. Rumor has it that a smartphone capable of generating fake work emails just to keep you stressed out is in the pipeline. And let's not forget the forthcoming device that dispenses snacks whenever you look even remotely productive. The future is now, and it's gloriously unproductive!

At publishing time, iNo users everywhere struggled to remember why they even wanted a smartphone upgrade in the first place.