Apple Notes To Roll Out New Feature Allowing Users To Bold Text Also

CUPERTINO, CA — In an electrifying presentation for Apple's upcoming operating system, team lead Craig Federighi unveiled a game-changing feature for the iOS "Notes" app: the ability to bold text with just the click of a button. Yes, you heard that right—it's time to put those lackluster notes in the spotlight!

"If you’ve ever wished your casual musings could leap off the screen and demand attention, this is your moment! Apple will now let you bold your text, and probably a few other things too," Federighi declared to a euphoric crowd. Following his revelation, he leaped off the stage for a celebratory lap around the Moscone Convention Center, high-fiving fans who flocked to hear about features they may never actually use.

"Imagine you’re jotting down a recipe in normal, boring text, but then—BAM!—you want to remind yourself about that time Jimmy Fallon did something hilarious. Now, you can make your thoughts as big, loud, and obnoxious as you desire!" Federighi enthused. "Once the iOS 18 update hits your iPhones this weekend, you will wield the power to make your text truly stand out!"

Meanwhile, CEO Tim Cook experienced a moment of existential dread as he realized this was one of the few presentations where Apple wasn’t promoting a transgender child and he could sense the disappointment brewing in the audience.

As the excitement peaked, Federighi was later whisked away to the hospital for observation after a bizarre incident where he inadvertently belched up ten or fifteen pairs of AirPods during the Q&A session. Sources say he claimed the AirPods just wanted to be heard.