Woman Threatens to Ditch Apple Over Discovery That Notes Transcribes Everything

ORANGE COUNTY, CA — An angry woman has vowed to ditch her iPhone after discovering that Apple Inc. has added a note transcription feature, leaving her feeling like her secrets are a tap away from exposure.

Sandra Dillion, a married mother of four, previously relied on Apple's Notes app to vent about her husband, Bob. But now she feels betrayed that the app would effectively serve as a tattletale on her private rants.

"Apple will regret adding note transcription," she declared. "Every time I ask Bob to bring home milk and he says, ‘I don’t recall that conversation,’ I just open up my notes. Our husband-wife dialogues have been replayed more times than a bad sitcom episode!"

Dillion detailed how she meticulously tracked every promise Bob made—or conveniently forgot to make. "Bob has stepped in it more times than I can count, and never cleans it up. If I couldn’t remind him about ‘clean-the-hair-out-of-the-drain night’, he’d create chaos! Do you think just any woman could get her husband to give up Football Sundays forever? No!"

According to sources close to the situation, Bob was resigned to the fact that he probably wasn’t Sandra’s idea of a best friend but felt there should still be some degree of trust in their relationship.

"So, I don’t trust Sandra not to leave a new episode of Attack on Titan running when I’m at Home Depot," he said. "Neither of us is running on the honor system here. My liege uwu (that’s what I call my game console) is one of the few things I actually pick up after myself. NO! STOP RECORDING MY NOTES, APPLE!!! THIS IS TOO FAR, MAN!!! NOT MY MARITAL CORRESPONDENCE!!!" he yelled.

At publishing time, Apple remarked that one disgruntled customer named ExxxEmily would settle for a discount on the freshly released AirPod Dinglenoodlers and had humorously dubbed Dustinhusband her 'lifelong playmate'.