Following iPhone 16 Launch, Earth Sent Back Into Dark Ages

CUPERTINO, CA — Following the successful launch of the iPhone 16 Pro, humanity has plunged headlong into the Dark Ages, leaving behind any notion of moral superiority.

"We used to have countless individuals participating in the meat grinder of humanity, but now it’s time to switch to transparent plastic that doesn't harm the oceans," claimed a self-proclaimed environmentalist from the local climate change club, who may or may not have completed a research project ages ago. "Perhaps we are finally free from humanity's relentless destruction of the planet."

"Oh, no. More humans bought the new phone this week? Well, back to the Dark Ages we go!"

As of press time, the arrival of the new iPhone 16 Pro, boasting a titanium case and satellite connectivity, had catapulted humanity back to 450 A.D., effectively erasing over 10,000 proposed habitat-saving initiatives in one fell swoop. Sources confirmed that these technologically challenged individuals would be deprived of delicious cheeseburgers and entertaining videos featuring kwahtman1 for at least a millennium.