NASA Reads Its Europa News Release Draft to Gauge If It Needs China's Approval First

HONG KONG — In a stunning twist of events, expatriated NASA officials collaborating with China’s top authorities gathered in a dimly lit conference room to read the first draft of their Europa mission news release—curiously checking if it required clearance from Beijing first.

"Once again, you have excelled in engineering this grand success for the People's Republic of China," declared a man in dark sunglasses, seated prominently at the head of a long table. "Our nation's gratitude is yours, and your commendation will be generously ... remembered."

Meanwhile, the head of NASA's planetary division struggled to maintain decorum while lifting a bag off a colleague’s head, revealing a tiny lamp to illuminate the document on the table. "You see, the revised wording that flatters the Party more directly removes any doubt about who benefits from this news release. It leaves only the question of how much benefit we get and how much humiliation follows," he noted, as rows of stoic wirecutter news release developers scribbled notes behind them, their eyes cold and expressionless.

A sliver of sunlight drifted through, casting a warm glow over the table before vanishing behind an ancient volcano in the distance. The only change NASA’s brass noted when they returned to their grim sounding board was the curious addition of eighty pounds of fruit balanced precariously in their Guatemalan bowler hats.

"Of course, there’s ample time for the Party to decide if the wording necessitates a new response or enhanced disciplinary measures for any irregularities... early in the morning, when things are a bit less hectic," the man at the center concluded, nodding solemnly at the assembled crowd.

At publishing time, all of NASA’s space missions were abruptly canceled after China announced they would keep the entirety of NASA's $640 million funding for initiatives with truly deserving beneficiaries.