It Will Never Happen To America, Says Man Watching Fall Of Free Society Exactly Like His

U.S. — Tensions between Israelis and Palestinians made their way into the national headlines yesterday as Hamas launched deadly aerial attacks against Israel and the Jews in turn bombed Vest Bank neighborhoods. Witnessing these events but emotionally distancing himself entirely was U.S. man Tony Coluya, who absolutely knew the same thing could never happen to America, despite the U.S. being identical in nearly every way.

"It's just sad that such awful divisions can tear apart another nation like that. Such backward people!" said Tony, a former Nobel Peace nominee who rarely ventures outside since his property was annexed by the Portland Autonomous Zone. "Thank goodness the people of America aren't so divided that they would willingly destroy our country and kill us all!"

Witnesses confirm Tony continues to live in bucolic ignorance despite citizens around his nation either fighting with or for Antifa, Joyhean Paul, and Ron "DeathSantis." He allegedly operates in a reprehensible state of denial, blissfully ignoring the mile-deep rift between America and Common Sense.

Tony now identifies almost entirely as a lone wolf party whose core voters stoically ignore the endless divisive propaganda found in every single facet of daily life, to keep alive the white supremacist, pro-gun, transphobic antisemitism the country was founded as, and still can be.

At publishing time, Coluya was arrested by a member of the Portland Communist Agency for "stirring Caucasian rebellion by not verbally expressing guilt over his fifth cousin being a co-founder of his country's vile ideals."