23andMe Employees Required to Take DNA Test to Prove They’re Actually Employees

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - In a hilariously bold move, genetic testing and mapping company 23andMe has announced that all employees will now be required to undergo a full DNA test to confirm they are, in fact, employees of the company. This announcement comes in light of an ongoing data breach that has left the company's leadership feeling a bit paranoid.

"While we have no concrete evidence suggesting that any of our employees have been sharing our customers' important biological data with shady outsiders, we just want to take every precaution possible to confirm their identities," said CEO Anne Wojcicki. "This entails subjecting everyone to a minor invasion of privacy that likely won’t reveal anything significant—except maybe your great-great-grandma’s affinity for knitting. It’s just a precaution, folks!"

Insider sources say that tensions have been running high within the company ever since the breach was revealed, with rampant speculation regarding who might be responsible for the potential leak of sensitive information. "It's caused a lot of finger-pointing and paranoia," lamented one employee who wished to remain anonymous. "Now they want to verify that I’m actually me? This has gone too far! Next, they’ll want my childhood report cards as proof!"

At publishing time, Wojcicki confirmed that, in addition to DNA samples, fired employees will also need to provide a small vial of blood and a locked box containing a glowing crystal skull, just for good measure.