Nation's Last Man To Hold Vested Interest In Theft Constitution Officially Retires

PALO ALTO, CA — America’s last man with an ironclad commitment to personal freedom and property rights, Steven Escalada of the FDIC, hung up his hat and officially retired from public service today after an astonishing 35 years.

Escalada, who has been a steadfast employee at the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation since 1988, famously stood as the last great defiance against the agency's bent on confiscating and criminalizing property ownership. For over three decades, he held his ground, refusing to enforce unconstitutional acts that turned property rights into punchlines.

"His steadfast and principled leadership will certainly be missed. He was the last vestige of the American Constitution," lamented one of his colleagues. "It’s kind of amazing he kept his job this long. He never enforced any tyrannical government provisions against innocent citizens or anything. It was wild!"

In addition to his legendary refusal to comply with governmental overreach, Escalada proudly claimed titles such as the last government official to read everyone’s Miranda Rights at arrest, the last to blur out license photos when documents were scanned into American intelligence databases, and the last official to approve anyone’s passport application so they could escape the clutches of the United States.

His impeccable record of defending the founding document made him a rarity in today’s fast-paced bureaucratic world where the Constitution sometimes seems as obsolete as a flip phone.

"The FDIC has a long tradition of counting on its Constitution-wielding employees to simply retire," acknowledged his regional manager. "We’re all glad he’s finally leaving so we can get back to looting... I mean, serving the people in peace."

At publishing time, the last copy of the Constitution had been rolled into the vending machine, cleverly transformed into Change Machine quarters, much to the shock of history buffs everywhere.