Navy Suspends Starlink As Crew Of "USS Ronald Reagan" Hasn't Gotten Any Work Done In Months

PACIFIC OCEAN — U.S. Navy officials have chosen to suspend Elon Musk's high-speed Starlink internet service aboard all vessels following reports from the USS Ronald Reagan battlegroup that sailors haven't gotten any work done in months.

Though the ships continued to navigate safely and all weapons systems remained armed and ready, reports soon reached Naval leaders that nothing else had been accomplished since the Starlink system was activated in June.

"We began to get these vague reports from Reagan's battlegroup," said one official at Navy headquarters. "Deputy Chiefs of Staff were using phrases like ‘reduction in efficiency' and ‘falling productivity' — finally an Inspector General's audit concluded that the Starlink internet was so reliable and fast that crew members hadn't been doing anything other than dinking around online. This one lowly Lieutenant has become one of YouTube's top-earning Minecraft streamers and half of the female crew members are top OF earners."

The initial report described the missing haze gray ships as being "completely covered by a thick shaggy layer of hair," which only made things more confusing for search crews. "As we pulled up alongside one Destroyer, the entire stern was covered in hair," said boarding party Chief Zachary Horne. "I noticed the hair was parted in the middle, and as I brushed it aside, I was hit in the face by a stubbly human arm. After further inspection I found it to be my old buddy Jordan ‘Armpits' Finley. No one knows why Jordan was called ‘Armpits.'"

Crew members of the Reagan and her battlegroup were essentially fired and replaced with new crews with no explanation as starlink crews were brought in to shut the gigabit internet down. Within weeks the carrier group was back to performing at 100% efficiency or as close to it as a government entity can be.

At publishing time, Starlink crews were disassembling the last of around 5 antennas on the USS Ford CVN-78 after her crew was found immobile, but healthy, on the East coast of Japan.