Biden Administration To Send Out Free COVID Tests To 7 Billion Addresses

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citizens were reportedly ecstatic to learn that the White House is sending out free COVID tests to 7 billion addresses in an ambitious effort to ensure everyone gets tested for the virus.

Biden seemed eager to roll out the tests, shouting, "We'll have them everywhere! FREE! EVERYWHERE! IN MAIL! EVERYWHERE!"—though his audience consisted solely of an empty broom closet in the West Wing.

White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre clarified that what Biden meant was that 7 billion people would be receiving four tests each, effectively covering the entire human population on Earth, plus a few stray Martians just in case.

When questioned about how these tests could be free, Jean-Pierre offered, "We sell a baby on the black market anytime we need to cover costs. It’s a win-win!" In an unexpected cameo, 'Professor' Jill Biden chimed in, “People haven’t even noticed the missing babies, so it shouldn’t be a big deal.”

At publishing time, Joe Biden had already fallen asleep in the broom closet, lulled into slumber by a poster of Arnold Palmer.

Needless to say, Americans are now eagerly waiting for tests to land in their mailboxes—along with perhaps a few new siblings.