I.R.S. Reassures Public That Managing Your Life Would Solve A Lot Of Problems

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amidst growing dissatisfaction with the troubled agency, the Internal Revenue Service has assured the American people that it only means to help, claiming that simply managing everyone's life would solve a multitude of common problems.

"Think of your life in terms of taxes," said IRS spokesman Bram Wellworth. "Wouldn't it be nice if someone just took all the stress away? Global centralized control exists for a reason, you know. Ease the burden on yourself and just let us take care of everything."

Americans across the country have labeled the IRS as unnecessarily scandal-ridden, unresponsive, politically motivated, and grossly invasive. Leadership at the revenue-collecting, soul-sucking agency vowed to change these perceptions by not only taking all Americans' money but also assuming their identities, preferences, and human rights. "Don't waste valuable time embarrassing yourself in public when a highly trained agent is ready to speak on your behalf," said Mr. Wellworth with a friendly wink.

"Look at it this way: if we were in control of your life, you'd probably be married already!"

At publishing time, Mr. Wellworth added that life management consultants would be in touch once they sorted through everyone's tax records and promised a swift follow-up in no more than 15 years.