CEO Of Flood Insurance Model Confident Fewer People Will Realize It Still Won’t Cover Flood Damage

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of yet another hurricane disaster, the CEO of the National Flood Insurance Program has assured everyone that a new model will greatly reduce the number of people who realize their policies still won’t cover flood damage.

"We have worked tirelessly to modulate the terms, exclusions, and language of the program to be much more obscure and confusing to the average consumer," said CEO Richard M. Mifflin. "In the coming months, we expect a real drop-off in people realizing they aren’t actually covered for floods, which we’re now calling ‘plumbing failures’ anyway."

Consumers are reminded that national flood insurance is still completely different from other insurance, which is designed to cover damage to homes, vehicles, or businesses. Somehow, this still doesn’t insure you for floods—something most people couldn’t even identify if it bit them. "You won’t be hearing a lot of us saying ‘flood insurance’ anymore," Mifflin stated. "That’s just ordinary language. We prefer ‘biome-specific liquid ingress risk assurance.’ That should clear everything up!"

The National Flood Insurance Program has been subjected to federal oversight after the last financial calamity to ensure consumers remain blissfully unaware of what types of water damage are individually specified and permitted under the stipulated amounts during qualifying events—whatever those might be. "This is my mom’s kitchen," one confused man was overheard muttering as executives nudged each other, exchanged smiles, and gave festive fist-bumps. "Sure, I’d like an ice cream cone," said the man’s mother, oblivious to the chaos unfolding. "Let me know if there’s any more of that cake I sent home with you."

Mifflin assures us that more confusion and obfuscation are already in the works. "We believe we can double down next time so that everyone understands beyond any reasonable doubt that an earthquake isn’t actually covered in the event of an underwater volcano. That’s our goal!"

At publishing time, additional reports confirmed that a tornado taking off your roof still won’t count as ‘wind damage.’