Man Driving Self-Driving Car Frustrated It Doesn't Drive Itself to Cancun for a Mai Tai

PICKERINGTON, OHIO — In what can only be described as a modern tragedy, local man Josh Williams found his dreams of a stress-free road trip dashed when he discovered his self-driving Tesla had no intention of ditching him for a spontaneous adventure.

Fueled by the recent news of a self-driving Tesla cruising for five hours unattended, Josh was ready to kick back, put his feet up, and let the car take the wheel. "I thought I could just set the self-drive feature and just relax, let the car do the thinking. But instead, I realized this thing won’t even decide to ignore my instructions and head off to tropical paradise!" he lamented.

Williams attempted to get comfortable, envisioning an impromptu getaway. "I expected it to say, 'Forget you, buddy! I'm driving myself to the nearest beach for some sun and surf!' But no, this car is just a glorified taxi! It can steer left or right when I nudge the wheel, but can’t spontaneously choose a better destination? What a bummer!" He huffed loudly, fiddling with the car settings in vain, hoping to unlock the elusive 'drive-where-I-don't-want-you-to-drive' feature.

In an impromptu attempt to revive his adventure-seeking spirit, Josh joked, "What is this thing, a digital doormat?" As he pondered the car’s lackluster personality, it became increasingly clear that the promise of autonomous freedom was just an elaborate ruse.

At publishing time, Williams was last seen blissfully napping at an airport bar, having resigned himself to vacationing with a Mai Tai in one hand and his smartphone in the other, yearning for a self-driving app that could actually pull it off.