Experts Recommend Just Transferring American Troops To The Middle East, Let Them Work Overtime For A Couple Of Weeks And See What Happens

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After the United States conducted airstrikes in response to attacks on American troops in the Middle East, experts recommended just transferring American troops to the Middle East, let them work overtime for a couple of weeks, and see what happens.

"Look, obviously what we're doing isn't working," said an anonymous source in the Department of Defense. "Maybe we're not making it clear that we don't want people shooting at us. The solution is simple: transfer a few thousand more troops to the Middle East, give them some extra firepower, and let them roam around looking imposing. That ought to send the right message."

The new "send more troops" strategy comes after years of subtler tactics such as conducting airstrikes, providing weapons to various allies in the region, and having a strongly worded phone call with the leaders of any countries not named Israel or Saudi Arabia. Despite all these efforts, various militant groups have continued attacking American soldiers because they want us to know that hey, they don't appreciate the way we look at them.

"It's really baffling why everyone isn't getting the message that we don't want to be attacked," said Secretary of State Antony Blinken. "We've even gone so far as to put little signs on our soldiers that say 'Please don't shoot at me,' in Arabic and Farsi. And still, the attacks continue. Well, let's see how the situation plays out after we send a fresh batch of troops over, and this time, we're also including a sternly worded letter."

At publishing time, the U.S. had made the decision to begin conducting airstrikes in response to attacks on American troops in even more parts of the world.