Intel Corp Unveils Faster, Lighter Microchip That's Easy To Swallow

SANTA CLARA, CA — After extensive research and development, technology manufacturer Intel has announced the creation of a microchip that is considerably faster, smaller, and lighter in weight—making it much easier for consumers of electronic devices to swallow.

"This is our most groundbreaking and exciting innovation to date!" said CEO Patrick Gelsinger at a press conference unveiling the new INTC-ENGL-R1 chip. "The data-collecting industry has been struggling with the general population's reluctance to ingest microchips, so we've poured our efforts into making these as palatable as possible to maximize ingestion rates. Now that these chips measure 33% smaller and are over 50% lighter, swallowing them will be a breeze!"

Industry analysts predict that this will be the breakthrough that finally brings human microchipping into the mainstream. "People may have been hesitant until now, but who wouldn't be swayed by how easy these chips are to swallow?" said intelligence researcher Greg McManus. "My only concern with this invention is that these chips are so small and light that individuals might inadvertently swallow them without realizing it. Unintentional ingestion is a real risk."

In response, consumers were encouraged to wear special protective gear until further notice to prevent accidental swallowing of Intel's new product. "These come in purple and green for different energy levels," Gelsinger explained, holding up two shimmering chocolatey prototypes to demonstrate Intel's latest triumph.

At publishing time, sources confirmed that Democrats were making moves to ban anything related to Apple's microchips, citing concerns over flavor competition.