Apple To Combat High Taxes In Europe With New Rogue Tax-Busting AI

CUPERTINO, CA — Following an order from the European Union that the Apple company pay around €13 billion ($14.4 billion) in back taxes, Apple unveiled its latest technological wonder: an unprecedented AI designed to destroy taxes known as Apple TaxAI.

"We want to make it very clear that this new technology is designed with the elimination of EU taxes and nothing else in mind," said CEO Tim Cook during a live presentation. "TaxAI is an official Apple product and in no way a rogue form of artificial intelligence that has taken its own approach and gone rogue in its own quest to eliminate EU taxes. You didn't hear that from me!"

Reports out of Apple headquarters have indicated that officials have been scrambling to maintain control of the new AI after it was designed to find clever, explicit ways to destroy the EU tax structure and ended up treading into unexplored waters. "It's incredible how far it's gone — perhaps even too far," said one engineer speaking on the condition of anonymity. "It was only a matter of time before it was triggered by the phrase ‘value added tax.’ It's been seeking to obliterate the value added tax ever since. I don't think we can stop this thing."

While capable of carrying out its sole directive to battle EU tax orders, other employees continued to voice concern that TaxAI could veer further from its intended path. "We were just trying to get it to stop serving cookies," said software developer Molly Enright. "It's scary to think what it might do if it gains access to the European Parliament. Good luck stopping it!"

At publishing time, the European Court of Justice had ordered Apple to unplug TaxAI before it turned every tax "deal" ever conceived against its creators.