Man Who Claims He’s Avoiding Cancer Just Drinks Different Carcinogen

NEW YORK, NY — Local man Greg Brooks once again demonstrated his unique approach to health by avoiding one carcinogen by simply opting for another.

"I can't believe how many people are still drinking alcohol! We know it's bad for us, especially with its clear link to cancer, yet they still call it ‘Mommy's Juice.' It's baffling!" Brooks exclaimed after ordering an entire flight of Woodsy Bearmen Kentucky Bourbon, the most ‘bourbon-ey' bourbon of all time.

"Honestly, it feels like some folks are just itching to get cancer and die or something."

Brooks has made a public spectacle of his cancer-avoidance strategy, having sworn off alcohol entirely for Lent two years before the COVID-19 pandemic. His plan? To detox and get his body ready to dive right back into his favorite Irish whiskey like a true champion drinker.

At publishing time, Brooks had casually stepped outside to light up a cigarette, claiming it perfectly complemented his bourbon flight.