‘Biblical Figure’ Warns Floridians About Incoming Hurricane

FLORIDA — Inhabitants of the Sunshine State are on high alert this morning after a figure described as "Biblical" ominously warned about an incoming hurricane set to devastate the region.

Emerging in radiant colors and glowing hues, the figure stood on the shore and proclaimed that judgment was nigh due to Americans being "sluggish" in addressing climate change.

"Death, destruction, disaster, doom!" the Biblical figure reportedly boomed. "This storm shall surely rain chaos upon this land, for thou hast not repented of thy CO2 emissions!" Witnesses described the crowd as having "wrenched their garments and gnashed their teeth" in a state of "great fear."

In more colorful details, locals claimed that after issuing the warning, the celestial figure began to "travail upon the sky whilst in midheaven, shifting through hues akin to those of a rainbow on a good hair day."

Responses to the mysterious proclamation were a mixed bag, with some Floridians stepping outside their homes to witness the spectacle. One bemused citizen remarked, "I didn’t expect Biblical figures to be changing colors midheaven—guess even angels like a good light show!" Meanwhile, others simply enjoyed the rare cool air as temperatures began to drop.

At publishing time, the hurricane was "doing exactly what the meteorologists said it would, like always." So, in true Floridian fashion, the locals returned to their regular routines, just hoping the hurricane didn’t steal their beach plans.