World Coin Founder Forced to Explain His Age Is Just 7

SACRAMENTO, CA — The founder of World Coin, a cryptocurrency tied to the biometric scanning of your eyeballs, finds himself in a bizarre situation: Everywhere he goes, he has to explain to bartenders that he’s only seven years old. Yes, you read that right—seven. It’s awkward, to say the least.

"Um, I'm going to need to see some ID, son," said one bartender, looking incredulous. "And your parents need to pick you up. If they can't get here soon, I'm going to have to call Child Protective Services. We don't typically babysit children in bars—there's no playpen for you to wait in until adulthood gets a little more appropriate for you."

Sam Altman, the tech visionary behind World Coin, attempted to clarify his unusual predicament. "World Coin is based on the age of our system, which went live in February 2016. So technically, I’m seven! Just chilling out with my adult friends here."

He leaned closer to his Rolling Stone drink, whispering secrets to it as if it were his confidant and guardian. "Besides, I’m the president of OpenAI when I don’t look like a toddler!"

Despite his confident claims, Altman bore an uncanny resemblance to a child, at least to anyone who relied on face scanners or lasers for identification. Not surprisingly, bar security eventually intervened, citing they have a strict no-cyborg child policy.

At publishing time, Altman had just called a police dispatcher who mistook him for a 'Runaway Nanny.' He took the opportunity to clarify that being a 'Manchild' simply means living alone while underage—nothing to see here, folks!