Apple Announces New iPhone Feature That Just Takes A Swab Of Your Inner Cheek

CUPERTINO, CA — During a far-reaching presentation for new iPhone features, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced a new option for unlocking a user's phone: taking a swab of the inner cheek.

"I'm pleased to unveil today our most revolutionary advancement yet," Cook said to a large audience at the tech company's campus. "Our scientists have developed a cutting-edge technology that not only makes your phone completely secure but is also safe and easy. Just open your mouth, swab your inner cheek, and your phone unlocks. Welcome to the future!"

With the reliability of FaceID often being called into question, Apple users had been clamoring for the next step in phone security. Apple may have hit it out of the park with this.

"We already have the sensors in your phone that track everything, collect your personal information, and make your data accessible to our friends in the Chinese government, so we figured why not also have it collect your genetic material? It's really a no-brainer."

Rumors have already begun to circulate regarding plans to build on the cheek swabbing feature by rolling out other bodily fluid options.

At publishing time, many users were already reporting phones being unlocked after Cook gave one of his signature "slobbery pecks."