Nation's Sweet Old Grandmothers Band Together to Demand Ban on Cell Phones That Are Trolling Them

UNITED STATES - The sweet old grandmothers of America have finally had enough, collectively calling for those horrible cell phones to be banned forever.

"I was scrolling through my phone when I stood up, and my legs felt like jello!" exclaimed one furious woman at an anti-phone protest in a Verizon store. "You smile and say, ‘Hey Siri,' and that malevolent little succubus stabs you right in the heart by dredging up every time you asked Google to play ‘The Beaver Song' for your grandson! For the love of all grandmothers, stop it! Stop it now!"

The grandmothers have taken their demands to the next level by staging sit-ins at every AT&T, Verizon, and T-Mobile store in the country. Though the anti-phone gatherings are growing, many grandmothers still seem blissfully unaware.

"Please come to the protest, Mom!" cried one frazzled woman over the phone. "This is Grandma! Sean and I are stuck in New York! We left this morning for our appointment with the bio-genetics facility. Not sure I remember what we had done today!"

While a majority of grandmothers across America have banded together to annihilate phones once and for all, some opted out of the protest, convinced the breast pump in the closet at their daughter's house was actually a cell phone, and they already destroyed it long ago.

At publishing time, sweet old men across the nation decided to join the fray too, demanding a ban on any digital signs that could potentially electrocute fish.