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10 Other Batsh Candidates We'll Consider Endorsing Before Green Party's Announced Nominee

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Listen up, Green Party, we're a little over a week away from Independence Day 2024, and you still haven't announced who you've nominated as your latest presidential candidate. Well, we at The Babylon Bee are through waiting. Your track record is spotty at best, giving us (checks notes) Ralph Nader, David Cobb, Cynthia McKinney, Jill Stein, and Howie Hawkins as your previous five hopefuls. See, that's just not going to cut it. So, in the finest tradition of the Chicago Tribune back in 1948, we're announcing our endorsements of other nutjob candidates before you get around to making your official announcement.

  1. That dude we always see at the bus stop yelling about chemtrails.

  2. The homeless guy who hangs out behind our office building and leaves us those sh***y crayon drawings every morning.

  3. Former Vice President Mike Pence who has inexplicably dyed his hair green and insists his first act as president will be to outlaw the number 7.

  4. The king from that dream where we ate an entire Little Caesars pizza right before going to bed.

  5. Jo Jorgensen, but only if she agrees to shave her entire body and wear a penguin costume during all public appearances.

  6. Kim Kardashian's left butt cheek.

  7. Phil Vischer's refrigerator repairman.

  8. Literally anyone else, no matter how crazy or unknown, oh wait, too late for that... well played, Green Party. Look for our official endorsement of the homeless guy at the bus stop as soon as he changes out of that nasty urine-soaked robe.

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