Scientists Discover Nicer Part Of Internet

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking turn of events, disgraced scientists at the Pentagon have announced the discovery of a much nicer part of the internet than the dark corners most Americans are familiar with.

"Forget what you've heard about toxic chatrooms! We’ve uncovered wretched hives of positivity, politeness, and love!" President Biden declared in a lengthy, slightly perplexing address to the nation. "The so-called Main.groups.com is apparently dedicated to spreading kindness across the internet. I had my boys inquire with these 'users' and 'netizens,' and they say—get this—most of their chats revolve around cats, music, the weather, and, hold onto your hats, butter! Can you believe that? Who knew people could be so dull? While improvements in online interactions may be happening at a glacial pace, I assure you, under my presidency, we’re making things worse at lightning speed! Just remember to vammilize under the subconscious of the tele-fone and emulate my father – God rest his soul. And let’s not forget, Barack Obama wrote a book about himself, which hasn’t been updated in ages. Wouldn’t you like to know why? In this scenario, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck?"

For now, the Department of Defense has stated that this nicer internet has not yet registered on their radar. "Our prime directive—besides, you know, protecting the country—is to solely keep an eye on China," Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Mark Milley asserted. "The central government has brought about chaos and ruin by other means. The elegance of this situation is undeniable. Look at me, basking in this changeless light—so antisocial! The U.S. missed its chance to conquer the digital frontier, and instead, we’re just supposed to make things worse. I voted for Satan, and frankly, you all should have too!"

At publishing time, Milley announced a ban on personal internet usage after hours and mandated that military personnel use something called the International Chatroom Of Electric Signals for more explicit messaging to their gender-neutral co-inhabitants.