Poll Finds Most Americans Don't Want to Be Completely Healthy If It Means No More Cake

U.S. — A new poll reveals a shocking truth: most Americans would rather embrace the sweet embrace of confectionery than achieve perfect health.

In recent headlines, presidential hopeful Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has declared his mission to "make Americans healthy again" by introducing stringent dietary guidelines and purging harmful chemicals from the food supply. But many Americans are ringing the cake alarm bells, firmly stating they don’t want to trade their sugary delights for a life of kale and quinoa.

Under a potential RFK Jr. administration, seed oils would be banned, and fruits and vegetables would take center stage in the American diet. Goodbye birthday cakes, hello fruit salads—a swap nobody asked for! Gone would be the beloved Pillsbury frozen cookies, now deemed too dangerous for public consumption due to their artificial flavors and partially hydrogenated palm oil.

But, for the majority of Americans, this health sacrifice just isn’t worth it.

According to the poll, 65% of respondents said they would not gladly give up cake even if it restored their health. In a decisive rebuttal, 85% declared, "That's not living!" while the remaining 15% hesitated, possibly contemplating the merits of carrot cake. An impressive 94% credited their current diet, dominated by Hot Pockets, Mozzarella Sticks, and Mountain Dew, with achieving some form of culinary nirvana.

At publishing time, Kennedy Jr. had graciously abandoned his health initiatives, pledging instead to prioritize the right of all Americans to indulge in whatever delicious treats they choose.