Revolutionary New Stroller Can Also Rock Baby To Sleep, Encourage Him To Dream Big, Drop Him Off At College

GERMANY — The innovative technology company Cybex has developed the e-Gazelle S, a stroller that gently rocks the baby to sleep before softly speaking messages of affirmation into his dreams, causing him to grow up and achieve his life's goals, at which point the stroller drops him off at college.

"The cybex e-Gazelle S will change the world forever," said one cybex spokesperson. "As soon as intelligent engineers and programmers finish up some very minor software tweaks, this stroller will not only softly rock a young boy to sleep – it will encourage him to be great."

The e-Gazelle S is said to whisper motivational quotes into sleeping boys' ears for up to 18 years before time-warps the child to their freshman dorm.

"Our groundbreaking stroller's initial design to power-assist parents with climbs and descents has slowly evolved into a machine that actually raises the kids," explained the cybex rep. "Though leading scientists and child psychologists are still in the process of defining this fruit of our endless progress as a ‘stroller,' - we're committed to seeing this through."

At publishing time, cybex had reportedly unveiled the next generation of strollers, which raise children for 18 years and then kill them by launching their bodies into the sun.