Man Who Uses All His Money for Coffee So He Doesn't Have Money for Food (And That's Why He’s Skinny) Launches New ‘Vanishing Act’ Coffee Brand

HOUSTON, TX -- An enterprising man who has apparently discovered the secret to extreme dieting has launched a new coffee brand called "Vanishing Act," specifically designed to ensure drinkers spend all their cash on caffeine – leaving no funds for food, just like him.

These micro-batch artisan roasted coffee beans boast a unique blend of rare Central American beans, guaranteed to send your taste buds into a frenzy while simultaneously draining your bank account. Perfect for the high-quality dark roast aficionados and aspiring dieters alike!

"I was able to get so deliciously thin by spending all my money on coffee and leaving myself utterly devoid of nourishment," said coffee entrepreneur Tim Walton. "And now, with my help, you can too!"

Walton is actively seeking investors for his startup, with dreams of building it into a billion-dollar franchise over the next two decades. He’s confident that anyone who takes their first sip of "Vanishing Act" coffee will find themselves utterly broke in no time, thus ensuring they have no leftover cash for food.

At publishing time, Walton was reportedly rummaging through a local Starbucks dumpster for some rogue breakfast pastries he could snack on. Because, you know, "Vanishing Act" coffee alone can't keep a guy going!