Report: Scalpers Selling Super Bowl Tickets At Markups Will Not Go To Heaven

HEAVEN -- A recently released report suggests that scalpers who sell Super Bowl tickets at markups will not go to heaven.

"We'd like to make it clear that anyone who takes a face-value ticket to the Super Bowl and then sells it for what the market dictates will not inherit the kingdom of God," said angelic spokesperson Harold during a press conference. "The only other option is the bad place. These people are effectively dooming themselves to eternal, fiery torment over a few thousand dollars. Is that extra money really worth it?"

Scalpers who caught wind of the announcement shrugged and noted the sales were worth it since the markups would fund their luxurious eternal retirements. 'I get that it's a bummer for all those people who miss out on the big game and also heaven, because I'm so not going there,' said one sinful scalper. 'What can I say? When demand outweighs supply, I make a killing. I'll be chilling with my millions in the bad place while enjoying Super Bowl LXXVIII: The Apocalyptic Bowls forever.

At publishing time, angels had issued a similar condemnation for fans who refuse to sell their extra game tickets for a reasonable price, as well as a separate announcement declaring that anyone who sneezes in a public restroom without a mask will not go to heaven.