Fun Little Chinese Safety Feature Auto Buys Tesla A New Bald CEO

AUSTIN, TX — Tesla Motors has hilariously announced that it has procured a brand new CEO, courtesy of a quirky little Chinese safety feature that automatically ordered an affordable bald visionary from the online shopping giant AliExpress.

The bargain bin CEO is perfect for managing global companies—assuming they don’t require him to form complete sentences.

"This is a fantastic way to maximize AI potential!" exclaimed the company’s sole remaining shareholder in Texas, still in awe of how efficiently he received his imported executive. "With just a single click on Alibaba and two minutes of setup, I've got a brand-new CEO for my electric car company who is safer to drive, lasts longer, and costs less to replace than my old one. Plus, this model comes with all the updates to keep my company out of the red—at least until I sell!"

Tesla saved a fortune ordering a new CEO from China instead of opting for a local candidate.

"I’m proud to be steering the ship at Twitter X—oops, I mean Tesla—so you can stop blaming me for everything!" the new CEO declared with a thick accent and a cheer that could raise eyebrows. "And guess what? I’ve learned to do something extraordinary—ready for it?"

At publishing time, reports confirmed that Xi Jinping had issued conditions for Elon Musk's release, insisting that Tesla must sell more cars and perform spontaneous dance routines—something the new bald CEO seems particularly skilled at.