Gamer Interrupts Complaint About Phone Number Theft To Boast About Hacking Nakatomi Plaza

SHOSHONI, WY — Gen X gamer and self-proclaimed hacker Brian McClenning was in the middle of sharing his story about how cybercriminals had snagged his cell phone number when he couldn't resist boasting about his past achievement of cracking the Nakatomi Plaza computer systems and walking off with a cool $640 million in bearer bonds.

"Yeah, there I was, just standing there wondering how they got my number," said a gleeful Brian to his mom, Jill McClenning. "Haven't felt that shocked since the sound of those locks breaking down in the Nakatomi Plaza basement while What's-His-Name was mowing down all the guards. What a day, Mom!"

After the infamous heist, Brian and his crew of four hacker pals were relocated from California to Shoshoni by the Scranton branch of their international company. Sadly, the heist had claimed the lives of 20 Japanese security guards that day, yet Brian continued to bask in his hacking glory. His friends in Wilkes-Barre now routinely message him asking for Money Orders from assorted accounts.

Brian, who proudly possesses a jailbroken iPad, mentioned that job offers had poured in from Blackstone since he 'borrowed' Mr. Takagi’s company savings. "Sure, I don't have those sweet mortgage payments rolling into the Nakatomi accounts anymore," Brian confessed, "but ever since I intercepted Mr. Takagi's life insurance payment right on time, I've been thriving."

At publishing time, a sudden cacophony of van alarms outside Brian's window interrupted the conversation, leaving him to ponder just how far his hacking prowess could take him next.