Nation's Husbands Demand Government Investigation Into How Their Wife's Blackout Shades Don't Work Worth a Darn

U.S. - An estimated 93% of married men have launched a crusade demanding a government investigation into how the blackout blinds in their bedrooms seem to be more like ‘checkered shades of light’ instead of actual blackout curtains.

"This is scientifically impossible,” declared Tom Banks, whose wife had closed their blackout curtains in an act of defiance against the unforgiving sunlight. “NASA researchers have studied black holes for decades, and they can assure us that nothing escapes dense material like a blackout blind. Therefore, why is our room flooded with blinding sunshine every morning at 6:13 on the dot?"

Women around the country defended the blinds, questioning whether their husbands were simply forgetting how to properly use them.

"My goodness, let me just check," said wife Kelsey Biggs upon noticing her husband's face glow red with rage at the morning light. "These are definitely blackout curtains, honey. See? They are... um... blocking almost all the light. It should be way brighter in here right now!"

According to sources, men plan to spend the next few weeks staying up at night, grappling with the existential question of why they are losing sleep over light that is supposedly blocked by their so-called blackout blinds.

At publishing time, reports confirmed that all participating men drifted into REM sleep way too late the previous night, primarily because who can possibly catch solid Z's when the ceiling fan is set to 2 instead of a soothing 3?