Tech Giants Release 'Trillion-Dollar Anti-Notification App' Solving Problem of Apps Sending Notifications

Silicon Valley, CA — In an uncharacteristic move to alleviate the stress they caused, tech behemoths have collaborated on the ground-breaking launch of an app that purports to stop all other apps from sending notifications. Dubbed 'The Do-Not-Not Disturb', this trillion-dollar app intends to rescue users overwhelmed by pings, dings, and bings seeking their precious attention every time someone uploads a culinary masterpiece or a cat attempts parkour.

"We've reimagined the app ecosystem," proclaimed Mini Facepalm, the visionary behind the project. "It occurred to us that users might want to be interrupted when they choose, not when algorithms decide. Who knew, right?" Wearing turtlenecks, executives congratulated each other at a tech launch described by attendees as 'one crate of avocados short of a revolution'.

The app, shockingly priced at $9.99,999, was marketed as the perfect investment for anyone who doesn't actually want to invest in anything but their sanity. Early beta testers reported momentary bliss, not realizing that their euphoric freedom was interrupted by notifications asking them to rate their notification-free experience.

However, users soon discovered that turning off notifications for apps led to these same apps sending reminders to rate the apps, which would paradoxically require notifications to achieve. Industry experts say the situation is 'problematic' yet admit they envy the rarity of the user privacy that will obviously grow on darknet forums.

Meanwhile, gadget addicts report new levels of peace, discovering nature, hobbies, and actual social interactions. In response, the social network, LookHoo!, released a new notification feature letting friends know which parts of the outside world they’re ignoring.

At publishing time, the tech world was buzzing with rumors that the next big thing would be a subscription service that does nothing at all, a business model as misunderstood as flash mobs and pet rocks.