7 Signs Your Mattress Is In Cahoots With Big Sleep

Sleep is a wonderful thing! But have you considered the possibility that your mattress is a willing participant in a conspiracy with Big Sleep to rob you of hours of time better spent consuming products and consuming content?

Here are 7 signs your bed is in cahoots with Big Sleep:

1. Every time you lie down you fall asleep: That's the biggest red flag of all. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED! Never, ever, lie down on a mattress that tries to entice you with sleep.

2. The mattress salesman was a very tall bearded man carrying a scythe and wearing a ski mask: Sure, this could just be a coincidence! It could also mean that your mattress was designed by Big Sleep himself to force you into wasting hours in slumber, oblivious to all the products you could be consuming.

3. You wake up well rested: These are the most terrifying words ever uttered in the English language.

4. If you put your ear to the mattress you can hear creepy music playing: Sure you could just be hearing the ocean — but only brainwashed people with Stockholm Syndrome friendly to Big Sleep would think something as absurd as that.

5. Your mattress has red stains on it: Big Sleep is in its infancy and, like Big Tech, has some bugs to work out. Perhaps your mattress is still around because it malfunctioned and ate the wrong person out of the blue. Or maybe it's just cranberry juice!

6. Your kids' boring stories or reports make your bed shake with laughter: Another glitch in its programming could mean your mattress is friendly to Little Sleep who rears his ugly awake-loving head every time your children have something to say.

7. Your mattress has an “M” logo on it: That's the brand used by Morbid, Sleep Tech™, Inc — the company that invented Big Sleep.

Not a sign, but just as an FYI to the folks at home reading through our list of signs: the word "Morbid" spelled backward is "Antifa."

Check your mattress for these subtle indicators and know for sure whether or not it is a servant of BIG SLEEP!