Study Finds 100% Of Children With Long COVID Wore A Mask At Some Point

MALVERN, PA — In a shocking study comprised of online surveys, conversations with parents of sick children, and some highly questionable brain scans, researchers have concluded that 100% of children with long COVID have worn a mask at some point.

"Of the millions of young people who've donned masks, we've found that every single one is currently displaying symptoms of long COVID," stated Dr. Agustin Maskovator, who is clearly getting quite tired of the whole thing. "This is as conclusive as you can get."

The research has sparked heated discussions among public health experts, with some suggesting that the coronavirus infection may indeed lead to long-lasting effects like brain fog and unexplained fatigue. "We can't leap to conclusions just yet!" insisted Dr. Rea Maskovator, while nervously clutching a box of N95 masks. "Our collective sanity relies on continuing to stay home and wearing masks all day to combat the spiking, bitterly-variant Omicron that seems to be competing with everyone's runny noses!"

Meanwhile, investigations into children without photo IDs ready for boarding plane tickets have taken a backseat to a burgeoning wave of social justice statements regarding the 'non-vaccinated kids.' Research is slated to kick off in the coming years once they finish gathering supplies for blood banks, as they currently lack human test subjects for the groundbreaking Murk-Free Special Breather Chem™. The focus has temporarily shifted to children living on rural farms who are tragically unvaccinated for measles or that new hippo flu.

At publishing time, the NIAID announced that long COVID seems to affect only those children who film themselves crying dramatically on TikTok, especially if their dads are unwittingly featured in the background, completely perplexed.