New Homeowners Insurance System Uses Bingo Cards Instead Of Risk Assessment

SACRAMENTO, CA — In an unprecedented move to tackle the ongoing housing crisis, California officials announced a new national home insurance provider that will ditch traditional risk assessments in favor of a good old-fashioned game of bingo.

"We are thrilled to unveil a wildly innovative solution to the housing market by using America's beloved game of chance — BINGO — to assign insurance coverage," California Governor Gavin Newsom declared in a press release. "We are confident this new system will randomly assign policyholders at random intervals the opportunity to receive insurance coverage for their homes, ultimately solving the problem and giving homeowners the peace of mind they’ve been yearning for."

Critics were quick to point out that many home insurance providers have been exiting California due to new regulations that limit their ability to adjust premiums based on risk levels related to climate change and wildfires. Some skeptics questioned how a bingo system would address this pressing issue.

"A bingo card in the hands of a qualified agent is guaranteed to provide better coverage than any so-called risk analysis," Newsom argued. "Have you ever played bingo? The thrill of tossing that ball into the air, watching it land among the eager crowd, and waiting for that sweet number to be called is far superior to the uncertainty of whether your house might turn to ashes one day."

As the game unfolded, critics exchanged skeptical glances, unsure if they should mark their cards or just roll their eyes. At publishing time, Newsom confirmed that funding for family plans would remain untouched, assuring families they would not only have coverage but also a shot at winning big in next month's state lottery.