Zuckerburg Offers GOP Special Facebook Censorship Starter Pack

In a shocking twist that left even conspiracy theorists speechless, Mark Zuckerberg has dashed off a heartfelt apology letter to Representative Jim Jordan, inadvertently revealing Facebook's new commitment: transparent hardcore censorship based on political vibes. What started as a partisan crusade by the GOP profiting from Meta’s mysterious content vault like Indiana Jones, ended with Zuckerberg giving them the keys and a welcome basket labeled 'Thanks for pointing it out!'

As Biden's administration allegedly tugged Meta's digital sleeves, asking for a little Covid content edit here, and a Hunter Biden laptop trim there under the guise of 'public health,' Zuckerberg obliged. Now, he pensively admits this oopsie was a stumble onto the path of potential bipartisan censorship woes. Apparently, the policy to suppress political content accidentally slipped and fell into the 'censor' drawer, much like your car keys sneak under the couch cushions.

In a modern fairy tale spin, Andy Stone, a Meta spokesperson and newly minted reality-bender, clarified that Zuckerberg’s 'censor' usage was meant to finger-point at the government. Although, the decision was all Meta’s, because nothing screams responsible freedom like making an executive decision under advisement you didn't seek but now whimsically employ.

After public speculations, rumors of Facebook’s corporate offices now featuring banner posters of George Orwell and recurring 'Censor-yoga Wednesdays' began circulating. Equipping the GOP with free admission to Censorship Fantasy Camp, Zuckerberg also serenaded them with another promise: an avowed divorce from his own philanthropic efforts regarding voting protections, spurring conspiracy enthusiasts to theorize if he is surprised Pikachu face emoji hiding a third eye or a faux-neutral sense of humor.

The GOP, feeling like overeager contestants handed a golden ticket they forgot to apply for, swiftly tweeted about the medieval miracle Zuckerberg gifted them, with the Democrats left exclaiming 'Et tu, Zucky?' amidst their digital peers. Meanwhile, Zuckerberg is possibly deliberating his next reality-breaking letter of blissful compliance with unknown forces.

At publishing time, Meta issued a No Comment Card stating they 'could neither confirm nor deny Zuckerberg is designing Hogwarts-inspired Censorship Zones where political correctness screams for liberty.'