FDA Embraces mRNA Technology After Its Successes Including Heart Attacks, Sudden Death, and Myocarditis

WHITE OAK, MD — In its relentless pursuit of modern medical marvels, the Food and Drug Administration has officially embraced mRNA vaccines, touting their past successes in triggering heart attacks, causing myocarditis, and, oh yes, even sudden death.

Insiders report that the FDA is thoroughly impressed with the astonishing achievements of mRNA vaccines over the past few years, especially after being tested on an unsuspecting global population. "Meta-analyses reveal there’s truly nothing like witnessing an array of adverse events on a massive scale," declared Dr. Robert M. Califf, as he shuffled through a stack of papers labeled 'Oops!' "Sure, they might not be great at stopping a virus, but they do ramp up the likelihood of death by a staggering 4% to 95%. Now that’s a statistic to write home about!"

When pressed about the recent decision to approve even more mRNA vaccines, Dr. Califf couldn’t contain his enthusiasm. "Thanks to mRNA vaccines, we’ve managed to help four people survive the COVID pandemic who otherwise might have joined the grim reaper’s waiting list. And who knows? With just a few million more doses, we could push that number to five or maybe even six lives saved. Nothing’s impossible with mRNA technology!"

As this monumental announcement reached the airwaves, Pfizer President Albert Bourla was spotted celebrating the news of additional mRNA vaccine approvals in the heart of New York City, alongside nightlife aficionado Ariel Palitz and fellow party enthusiasts, raising a toast to progress in the most ironic sense possible.