Pavel Durov Aprreciates Nice Jail Cell With Phone So He Can Keep Working On Telegram App

MOSCOW — Freshly arrested Telegram founder Pavel Durov was reportedly grateful to be placed in a nice jail cell equipped with a phone so he could keep working on Telegram.

"I was worried being arrested would put an end to my dream of allowing terrorists and pedophiles to connect with an unmoderated communication app," said Durov as the iron door clanged shut behind him, "but this place has Wi-Fi and a phone so I can keep men, women, and children alike at risk of falling victim to over 2 million criminal users! Heck, I can even keep collecting their monthly subscription fees as if I'm not in jail for being complicit in a criminal operation!"

The French government arrested Pavel Durov for refusing to comply with law enforcement requests to cooperate in bringing to justice criminals who actively use Telegram for their unlawful activities. Durov is currently being held in a Moscow jail cell with nice amenities like a metal cot with a blanket, a toilet, and a smartphone hanging on the wall.

Guards say Durov has shown nothing but gratitude for being able to continue his life's work with no interruption. "He always gives us a chipper 'Good morning' and tells us which criminals he enabled to communicate with Telegram that day," said one guard. "The guy just loves letting crimes happen with his enterprise. He never stops grinning."

At publishing time, the guards would ask him to turn off his notifications at night since they made it hard for the other prisoners to sleep.