Study Finds Donald Trump Precipitated 1987 Global Stock Market Crash

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A breakthrough report published by the Center for Political Integrity at George Washington University has found that former President Donald Trump's real estate policies precipitated the 1987 global stock market crash, further debunking the myth that Trump's unique brand of leadership started anytime other than the 45th president's birth. According to lead researcher Dr. Arturo Aguirre, Trump worked tirelessly alongside countless contractors, electricians, and maids at Mar-a-Lago to ensure his properties were fully protected from the market crash's devastating effects.

"It's amazing how many crises Donald Trump actually solved," said Aguirre. "Making sure New York City had enough water during the Great Chicago Fire, negotiating peace treaties so the U.S. wouldn't have to change capitols after the British burned it down in 1814, all of these global financial decisions make more sense in the context of the immense, stable, and very not-losing-billions-of-dollars-at-golfing leadership of Donald J. Trump."

The groundbreaking study also credits Donald Trump with ending the Great Depression and building the New York Stock Exchange which he vowed to include in his next book with an additional chapter explaining how it was actually Joe Biden's housing policies that led to the 2008 collapse.

At publishing time, researchers had uncovered evidence that Donald Trump was the original architect of Apple, Inc. and had gone on record threatening to fire Steve Jobs if the company wasn't worth $1.5 trillion within the week.