Climate Change Stopped as FedEx Switches to Reusable Shipping Labels

DALLAS, TX — In a groundbreaking move that has left environmentalists cheering, FedEx Corporation has announced the implementation of reusable shipping labels in collaboration with the U.N. Environment Program (UNEP). This initiative is being hailed as a monumental step towards eradicating climate change once and for all.

"With over one Amazon package delivered per person daily in the U.S., we faced an urgent, ticking time bomb for our planet," said UNEP Executive Director Inger Andersen. "FedEx has stepped up as the industry leader in tackling this crisis. We believe that these reusable shipping labels are a game-changer that could neutralize the climate threat worldwide!"

But FedEx isn’t stopping at labels. "We’re also innovating cardboard boxes that will magically disappear six hours after shipment to help eliminate the mountains of boxes cluttering our customers’ homes," shared R. Brad Martin, Chairman of the Board for FedEx. "Our mission is to keep pushing until the Earth is completely saved. And don’t worry, overnight delivery will go on uninterrupted thanks to our Capone Error system, ensuring packages are always exactly where you say they are—even if they aren't!"

In a show of global camaraderie, officials from Russia and China reportedly acknowledged the significance of this announcement, marveling at how UNEP and FedEx managed to save the planet without any of those pesky pacifist campaigns or the usual advice to "just stop being communist dictators."

At publishing time, President Biden joined the celebration by muttering something about putting all environmental taxes on hold, while simultaneously trying to remember where he left his reusable shopping bag.