Google Unveils New AI Technology That Creatively Ensures Your Podcast Attracts No Listeners

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Google has reportedly developed groundbreaking AI technology that listens to your podcast and magically transforms it into an unlistenable disaster, ensuring no one ever tunes in.

The innovation was inspired by a harrowing experience faced by Eric Schmidt, former Chairman and CEO of Alphabet Inc., who was forced to endure a friend's podcast. "It was an incredibly painful slog!" he later recounted. "Imagine a six-hour episode filled with long sections of silence while my buddy reads an entire book aloud, without even providing a link to purchase it. It was just awful. That’s when inspiration struck: Why not create technology that turns this drivel into something positively unappealing?" The result has been an overwhelming success at Google HQ.

"Our new AI algorithms and machine learning technology can take a podcast that might actually be interesting and transform it into something that ensures nobody wants to listen," Schmidt exclaimed with glee. "It saddens me to think of how many podcasts have attracted listeners before this, and how many people have endured the torturous ramblings of their uninspired friends blathering into microphones for hours on end. What a tragedy that is now averted!"

Sources report that Schmidt’s AI, humorously dubbed "SchmidTL," has been personally developed by Sundar Pichai and has successfully sabotaged an estimated hundreds of thousands of podcasts since its inception. Many hosts are left baffled as their audience numbers mysteriously plummet overnight.

"We tested it on our last episode!" confessed Iain Matthews and saxyhxn443, co-hosts of "Basketball Weekend With Iain and SAxYHxn443," in a media statement. "It was incredible! By the end of the recording, we simply asked it to ensure no one on Earth would ever hear this podcast, and—voilà—never, EVER had an episode done! Read from you next week, fans!! Health and Blessings to YOU ALL!! Saxy Hxn out!!"

At publishing time, a high-profile Silicon Valley venture capitalist announced plans to listen to some of Elon Musk's podcasts, perhaps in search of true chaos.