iPhone User Discovers Anti-Bacterial Kiosk Has Just the Right Amount of Bacteria for Hand Sanitizing

TORONTO — Overjoyed that his local mall had installed an anti-bacterial kiosk, user Evan MacLeod was ecstatic to finally get a hold of a thin sheath of fabric oozing with just the right amount of bacteria that he could carefully sanitize his hands on.

"Every time after using my phone, I worry about the germs lurking on it and how I might get sick. But then I remember this delightful petri dish right here!" Evan said, polishing his index finger with a mixture of germ debris and three-month-old ethyl alcohol. "Now, after cleansing my hands five times, I can wrap them around my sandwich and eat with confidence!"

While Evan initially admitted to being "nervous" to try Jukebide technology, the Toronto native now skips trips to the restroom by gently massaging his hands on the shared fabric strip, joining the ranks of 50,000 others who have used it this week. "Who needs a public restroom when there's a soft, bacteria-laden fabric slab to purify my hands?"

"My cold is gone, and I can breathe freely without getting short of breath now!" Evan added, deeply inhaling the subtle aroma of days-old germicide wafting through the shopping center.

At publishing time, Evan was spotted confidently handing a strip of charcuterie to his baby nephew, blissfully assured that the slimy, alcohol-covered meat had been properly sanitized.