Woman Who's Always Cold Can't Wait for the Warmth of a Not-Quite-Long-Enough Cardigan

COLUMBIA, SC — Sources close to local woman Cheryl Sanchez report she is absolutely giddy for fall temperatures this year, eager to embrace the cozy vibes promised by her not-quite-long-enough cardigan.

"Finally! After melting through the summer while dreaming of chillier weather, I can now enjoy the mild embrace of this ill-fitting cardigan," exclaimed Cheryl, draping the polyester garment over her pale shoulders. "Ah, it’s almost long enough to reach my elbows!"

Local weatherman Orie Archer predicts cool temps paired with brisk winds, giving Cheryl the chance to revel in the warmth that her almost-adequate cardigan provides—covering about 80% of her arms—as she stands outside at a local school football game.

"How delightful! I can feel the soothing warmth from my elbows up to my mid-forearms," said Cheryl, visibly shivering as she huddled beneath an additional thermal blanket, akin to a sourdough starter left out in the cold. "With my fingers growing numb and my arms gradually turning into popsicles, I can squeeze a thimble of apple cider—just 2 ounces—and really start to enjoy this brisk fall!"

At publishing time, Cheryl was already daydreaming about the warmth a pair of fuzzy slippers could bring to her feet, as the annual snowstorm had completely buried her family car up to the hood.