New Diablo III Expansion to Add Heaven as Playable Realm to Plunder for Loot

IRVINE, CA - Entertainment titan Blizzard this week announced a groundbreaking new expansion for Diablo III, unveiling plans to update the campaign to send heroes soaring into the realm of Heaven for a grand looting spree—by obliterating angels.

"After spending a decade slaying the demons of Hell and robbing their corpses for precious loot, we're finally letting players unleash that same relentless destruction on the heavenly hosts," declared Blizzard executive Loktharas Firespear, comfortably seated upon a throne made of shattered souls and questionable life choices. "What's the point of an expansive world if you can only use it to hunt one half of the afterlife? Players have long yearned for Heaven to become a playground for their avarice and wrath!"

Reactions within the fanbase have been mixed. While some players rejoiced at the prospect of expansive loot-gathering beyond Hell, others expressed anxiety that "Heaven" might not deliver the same thrill as its darker counterpart.

"Once it became clear that Heaven's angels could only sing endless hallelujahs, chaos erupted!" exclaimed creative designer Martin Frog. "Their hymns quickly morphed into the screams of the damned as players cut a bloody swath through the angelic ranks. Even worse, it rains in every level, creating a perfect storm of despair!"

The expansion, teasingly named Fall of Angelus: Blade of Siphoning Souls Evocation Plus 1.5 (now with improved tower defense mechanics!) is aimed for release as soon as this year, pending telecommunications companies cough up millions more to the Church of Satan.

At publishing time, Blizzard had quickly resolved a minor bug that accidentally opened a portal to Purgatory, much to the annoyance of players looking for a less confusing way to rack up loot.